11:18am

30/08/2014

I feel bad, weird, displaced, insecure, changed and unknown. As much as I would want to write, I now feel blocked. There is no time to write as of the moment. But I will really, really, expire soon. Better get this off my chest… Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. No words. I always push those who love me away. I really do. I am afraid of love. I’ve had very bad experiences with love and never allowed me to love her. But she did. And seeing her as the way she was destroys my entirety. It makes me kind of hate myself even more. To destroy those who care. But I loved being with her, loved seeing her and just being stupid. Why did I? I just felt it was time to continue. So many things have changed in my life, why not completely change it all. I just don’t know anymore. Did I do the right choice? The wrong one? Maybe. But it’s too late for that… All in all, I’ve already changed the unreturnable. And to be fair, my short fucking life has led me to believe that “change is the law in life”, and that “those whom attribute to their fears and change their entirety as a human” will be better off than before. Depending on what your fears are, some things are easier than others. But to be realistic, I am in an internal trance. Wondering on why I am the way I am. It’s like if anyone gets close to me, I feel like a ticking bomb. Ready to strike in the most unexpected moments. If you are reading this, I never meant to hurt you. Things in my life are coming, and I can foresee the gravity of their importance and impact that they will have on me on the greatest emotional level. I am just getting prepared, I believe, subconsciously, to be hit by the wave with all my might and preparation. Alone.